3 signs this happens to you
You want to point something out and it turns into a fight
You have something legitimate to raise, but the other person gets defensive the moment you start.
You start with “you’ve changed” or “you always…”
The phrase attacks the whole person, not the moment, and it closes their ears before they can hear the rest.
Conversations at a distance land harder
Without body language, the words arrive alone. And if the sentence started in Spanish in your head, the English version that comes out is usually blunter than you meant it to be.
How I work with this kind of pain
It’s not that the other person doesn’t want to listen — it’s that the sentence attacks their entire identity. I teach an externalizing technique: “you changed” attacks the person; “there’s a part of you that…” names one specific shift and leaves their ears open.
Saying “it’s that you changed” attacks the person… “there’s a part of you that thinks differently now” doesn’t.
This holds whether the argument happens in English or in Spanish — but if you’re translating your frustration in real time, the blunt version is the one that comes out first, because it’s the fastest one. “Tú cambiaste” becomes “You’ve changed”: three words, no room to soften it. The rebuilt version takes a breath to find: “there’s a part of you that…” That pause is not wasted time. Having to slow down enough to say it in a second language is, itself, part of what keeps the attack from firing off.
The exercise: write down the complaint you’ve been sitting on, exactly the way you’d say it in the heat of the moment (it probably starts with “you”). Rewrite it starting with “there’s a part of you that…”. The content doesn’t change — the tone does, and tone is the difference between being heard and being shut out.
The content doesn’t change. The tone does — and tone is the difference between being heard and being shut out.
— Ricardo De Castro King · Psychologist
Practicing this technique in the conversations that cost you the most holds up better with support. There’s an assessment session at US$25 if you want to work through it with your specific situation.
Book Your Assessment Session · US$25This content is educational and does not replace psychological consultation. In crisis: Line 106 (Colombia).
Also in therapy
Other conversations this technique tends to show up in
Ricardo is licensed as a psychologist in Colombia (Professional License 106127) and works with international clients in private practice. He does not prescribe medication. Rules on cross-border online therapy vary by country and by state, so it’s worth checking what applies where you live — and this never replaces local emergency care.
If you’re in emotional crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself, please seek help right away: in Colombia, call Line 106, or in the US call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or reach your local mental health line. You are not alone, and help is available right now.