It's ten at night. Your partner is on the couch with the phone on speaker, and a voice you only know from holidays is talking fast in Spanish. You catch your own name, then a laugh, then nothing you can follow. You load the dishwasher a little more quietly than you need to. When the call ends you ask, "Everything okay?" and hear, "Yeah, just my mom." The rest of the evening is quiet.
If you're the partner of someone who migrated from Latin America, that scene may be familiar. What stings in a moment like that is being in the room while something important to your partner goes on without you.
What your partner may be going through
Leaving a country often leaves a loss that nobody marks with a ceremony. A mother gets older on a screen. A birthday goes by on video. A song in a grocery store can bring it all back on an ordinary afternoon, and then it passes, and something small brings the next wave.
So the nightly call may be doing real work. For your partner it can be a way of still being someone's child, someone's brother or sister, while living far away. And when a parent gets sick, those calls can get longer and more frequent, because that's when being far away is hardest.
Why the loyalty can hurt
For many Latino families, love is a daily practice: the call every night, the money sent home. When your partner stays close to their family, it doesn't mean they love you less. It can still leave you feeling like you come second, and that feeling counts too.
You might catch yourself wondering what is being said about you, or why every plan seems to need the family's approval first, or why your offers to help get answered with "you wouldn't understand." Under all of that, you may simply miss your partner.
What you can ask for
If the hardest part is being left out of the call, you don't have to understand every word to feel less outside it. Here are a few ideas, to take or leave. None of them is a rule.
Ask for a summary. After the call, "Can you give me the two-minute version?" is easier to answer than "What were you talking about?" You're not asking for a transcript, only for a way back into the evening.
Learn a few phrases. Greetings, the names of family members, how to ask about someone's health. It's enough to say hello to your partner's mother and know what comes next. You can also ask your partner to teach you, which gives the two of you something to do together.
Agree on what gets said about you. Maybe the two of you decide that arguments stay between you, or that your partner tells you first if something about you is going to be brought up with the family. Have that conversation when things are calm, not in the middle of a call.
Try telling your partner what you miss. "I miss you in the evenings" gives them something to answer. "You're always on the phone" usually makes people defend their family. And you can ask about the call out of curiosity, with nothing to fix: "What did your mom say about the house?" "What do you miss most this week?" Then listen.
When visas, sponsorship or fear of deportation are involved
Visas, sponsorship or fear of deportation can also sit underneath all of this. When one of you depends on a legal process, the visits that can't happen and the calls that run long can carry a weight nobody has named. If that's part of your situation, say so early, to your partner and to anyone you work with, because it changes what will help.
If your partner reads Spanish more easily, this page was written in Spanish for couples whose relationship is touched by migration.
What starting with me looks like
I'm Ricardo De Castro King, a Colombian clinical psychologist (professional card T.P. 106127, COLPSIC) with a master's degree in systemic family therapy from Universidad Simón Bolívar and more than 15 years of working with couples. I work online with couples in the United States, Canada, Europe and Latin America, in Spanish and also in English. My full background is here.
In the first session, each of you tells me how you got here and what has changed. We look together at what's wearing you out, and you leave with one small next step. You don't have to agree on anything, and I don't take sides.
"We were on the verge of divorce. Raising our two kids in the United States with no grandparents and no support system had worn us down completely. In 4 couples sessions with Ricardo we were able to stop the shouting and look at each other as a team again." M. & D., Hispanic married couple, Orlando, Florida. Translated from Spanish and paraphrased from someone I've worked with, with identifying details removed to protect professional secrecy.
- Couples: each session runs 75 minutes. The first costs US$45, with 25% off, and later ones US$60.
- Individual: if your partner doesn't want to come, you can start alone. Each session runs 60 minutes. The first costs US$37.49, with 25% off, and later ones US$49.99.
- Payment: in U.S. dollars through PayPal, with an account or with a credit or debit card.
- Scheduling: we set it up on WhatsApp, before you pay. My schedule is flexible, and we fit the session to your local time. Sessions run Monday to Friday, 8:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. (last session starts at 7:00 p.m.), and Saturdays, 9 a.m. to 1 p.m., Colombia time (UTC−5, no daylight saving). Equivalents, Monday to Friday: Eastern (ET) 8 am–7 pm from November to March and 9 am–8 pm from March to November · Central (CT) 7 am–6 pm and 8 am–7 pm · Mountain (MT) 6 am–5 pm and 7 am–6 pm · Pacific (PT) 5 am–4 pm and 6 am–5 pm. If you work nights or weekends, write to me and we'll see. I answer within 24 hours.
Compare with your city
Depending on the season, that's the same as New York or one hour earlier, the same as Houston and Chicago or one hour later, one or two hours later than Denver, and two or three hours later than Los Angeles. Madrid is 6 or 7 hours ahead of Colombia; London and Dublin, 5 or 6. - Pace: usually weekly or every two weeks, with no required packages or contracts. If you need to reschedule, give me 24 hours' notice and there's no charge.
- Sessions: on Google Meet, with a private link. You can each join from wherever you are.
- Confidentiality: what we talk about stays under professional secrecy (Colombia's Law 1090 of 2006). The law sets one exception: when staying silent would cause evident harm to you or someone else.
You don't need to know what's wrong to write. A first message can be short, and there's no pressure to decide anything.
If there's fear, safety comes first
If there is hitting, threats, control over your money or your documents, or if your partner threatens to report you to immigration, your safety comes first, whether you're a woman or a man. That isn't something to work on as a couple's issue.
If you're in danger right now, call 911 in the United States, Canada or Mexico, 112 in Spain and the rest of the European Union, or 123 in Colombia. Anywhere else, call the local emergency number.
If you need guidance and it isn't an emergency:
- United States: 800 799 7233, free, confidential and open around the clock.
- Spain: 016, for violence against women.
- Germany: 116 016, for violence against women.
- Canada: 211, which points you to local services, free and confidential.
- Colombia: 155, guidance for women, around the clock.
If someone checks your phone, call from another device. And if you're worried about how this could affect your immigration status, ask an immigration attorney: the U.S. hotline recommends starting there.
Frequently asked questions
Can couples therapy help if the tension is about my partner's family?
It can help you look at what that closeness means for each of you and what you'd both like to change. Nobody has to defend where they come from, and the point isn't to decide who is right.
My partner and I don't share a first language. How does that work?
I also work in English, so you don't need to speak Spanish to write to me.
Is it wrong to feel jealous of my partner's family?
Feeling left out is a common reaction and says nothing bad about you. It usually points to something you need, such as more time together or a place in the conversation.
Should I ask my partner to call their family less?
That request may land as a demand to give up something that matters a great deal. A request about the two of you, like a call-free dinner or a short summary afterwards, may be easier to hear.